Archive for February, 2011


Okay, time to begin chronicling my adventures, starting back in the day when I was still on the pancake home world and the events which led to my banishment.

A great time, the pancake home world is the tastiest place in the universe. With butterscotch ponds, milk rivers and rum waterfalls it is incredible, but there was a slight problem. The only sentient life is pancakes with maple syrup for blood. Now I lasted five years, not ever taking a bite of one of my adopted pancake brothers or sisters until an unfortunate accident. This is how it happened…

It was a sunny day and I was relaxing on the shore of  Lake Bundy, the local rum lake at the base of a waterfall. I was watching my friends swim when Johnny climbed up the side of the cliff and dived in, making a giant splash as he did a perfect dive. But the dive annoyed a couple of the girls (even after five years living with the pancake people I could not tell the difference between them apart from the pitch of their voice), so they got out and started to dry off. 

As one of them went to the blueberry bush that held her towel, a poisonous jimbillow (nasty half leach half snake creatures that inject their venom then wait till their prey stops moving, then sucks them dry of mapley goodness), leapt out and pierced her leg, teeth clenching, body slithering in ecstasy. I knew the bite would be lethal to the pancake, but I, having been bitten before, with no ill effect might be able to suck the poison out of the wound and save her life. So I did.

But that was what gave me my taste for pancake blood. The syrup mixing with the taste of her leg was so delicious I couldn’t help myself and bit down biting off her leg. This just sent more syrup flowing out; the smell of which drove me to a feeding frenzy. I blacked out then, but when I awoke hours later I was covered in syrup and my friends were dead. Only syrup stained clothes and bits of hair remained.

I sat pondered what I was to. I knew what I had done was wrong but they were only pancakes, right? And they tasted so good, how could it be wrong to eat them? I went back home to my small town. I had hoped to forget the whole incident and go on living a peaceful life with my pancakes friends who I hadn’t eaten until a day later my adopted father cut his finger while preparing dinner. The smell of the syrup was too great a temptation and before I knew it I had bitten into his neck and he was dead on the floor. 

I blacked out again and awoke a day later, the entire town now dead and eaten, all 113 of them gone and yet I felt no remorse. I knew this was what I was to do now and so I set off eating small town after small town. I lost count of how many I ate but at my trial they said it was 132,578 men women and children I killed in my 6 month rampage before they caught me as I ran out of small towns and attacked the large city. It was in the capital Pantopia as I was sleeping after having eaten President Chewy that they got me, tried me and banished me back from whence I’d come. The pancake people, even after all I did to them, could not break their code of non-violence and so, rather than kill me, they banished me.

And so that is my story for now, but stay tuned for more instalments of my epic adventures in the weeks, months and years to come.

Vegetarians

Posted: February 20, 2011 in Thoughts
Tags: , , , , ,

Out of everyone, vegetarians are probably the people who confuse me the most. On one hand, I hate the militant, meat-is-murder-and-I’m-better-than-you-because-I-don’t-eat-it side, and on the other hand I think more people should be vegetarians.

This is why:

I love meat. I have found very little better in life than a plate of perfectly cooked bacon, a tender roast or a kangaroo steak. At the same time though I also see a lot of people who won’t eat certain kinds of meat like veal or puppies, and it’s people like this that don’t deserve to eat meat at all. 

But, “How would this work practically?” I hear you say.  Well, my answer would be “Shut up, I’m getting to that.” before giving you a condescending look and continuing.

I would have in place a new law that you can only eat what you are willing to kill. If you want to eat bacon you must go to a slaughter-house and kill a pig. Only once though, not every time you want bacon or pork or ham or other tasty dead pig meat (pigs are the greatest animals), but just once and then you can eat pig products, like wise beef, chicken, etc.

So similar to a driver’s licence, you would have a meat licence.

Depending on your qualifications you would be one of the following:

Class 1:  Chicken and Fish only

Class 2: Beef and Pork

Class 3: Veal, Kangaroo and Rabbit

Class 4: All

Each person could eat the meats pertaining to their class. Therefore, as many people would be too soft to kill an animal there would be more vegetarians.

And yes, I realise this could never really work and it would create levels of bureaucracy and government control and all the rest, but it’s a thought I had that I needed to share.

So long from the yeti geologist till I next drip my thoughts on your computer screens.