Archive for March, 2011


So I often get told I’m cynical, morbid, strange or just a terrible person for not liking Disney and the fairy tales they have stolen, mutilated, crammed into a pretty dress and put up for sale. but I say considering I watched so many I am remarkably well-adjusted, to show you what I mean I’m going to take a look at some Disney “classics” and what they really teach kids the “real” moral of the story and maybe the origins if I know them.

Aladdin– the poor street boy who gets lucky and wins the princesses heart with the help of a funky genie right? wrong!

he escapes the guards who are nasty and evil obviously, wait what all there doing is their job trying to lock up a thief that no doubt makes the vendor o home to his family of 16 children with no food for the night, lesson 1 authority is bad they are just out to get you.

despite being a thief and a liar he somehow is pure enough to go into the temple and get the lamp, so lesson 2 if your cheeky while you do something it can’t be wrong

ok so he escapes the evil guards makes it through the temple with only a little destruction and finds a genie whats his first move, lie,lie and lie again none of the talk to a girl get to know her let her know you rubbish nope pretend to be rich and powerful lie as much as you can to trick the girl into loving you  two lessons from this one lesson 3 you will never find love if your poor and lesson 4 lying is the best way to win a girl’s heart.

hmm yes the girl that’s 14 that you take from her bedroom in the middle of the night for a magic carpet ride which is lesson 5 its fine to take underage girls from their beds at night without their parents knowing in fact it will make them love you.

Then we get the big finally the battle ect ect and the enslavement of Jaffa(once more through lieing) the genie is horribly sad at being stuck in the lamp but Jaffas evil so do it to him Lesson 6 slavery is fine so long as its bad people that are in chains

but aladdins only one example surely there aren’t others? you say

hmm how bout the little mermaid

this movie makes saw seem a good wholesome movie

lets see we have a girl mermaid of 16 who despite being told not to go somewhere by her father does and then answers back I’m 16 I’m not a girl anymore lesson 1 don’t listen to your parents past 16

so she goes to the surface where she meets the prince ect blah blah oh then gives up singing the thing she loves most to chase some guy she doesn’t know by making a deal with an evil which three lessons this time lesson 2 you must give up everything you love to find a prince and lesson 3 doing “deals with the devil” totally fine no real problems there lesson 4 forget your family, friends, race, religion, hell even your own species to get the right guy to like you

so she becomes human and stumbles gets washed up on shore and found by the guy of her dreams except now she can’t talk and can hardly move but that doesn’t seem to matter because pfft lesson 5 women don’t need to talk or do things except sit there and look pretty

but that works and after thee days and no conversation they get married lesson 6 if he’s a prince marry him as fast as you can

so they marry and them the evil witch rises up with super powers somehow “magic trident?” and the prince impales her drives a boat straight through her and then shes struck by lightning and explode/melts into the ocean. right there you have a scene as gruesome as any form saw lesson 7 it’s not murder if there evil!

oh and if that isn’t enough in the original book Ariel just had her tail split in two nice a bloody and painful the prince then makes her dance and finds it hilarious while she is in great pain.(hmm yes worse than saw jig saw never got a laugh out of it) he then marries another girl and Ariel is told by the evil sea which if she wants to live she must kill him or she will die, she instead decides she can still win his love and then melts back into the ocean like a hot stick of butter in a frying pan.

so there’s two Disney movie i have hopefully ruined for you more to come in future.


so here’s the rest of them cause I was lazy and didn’t do them all at once

 

Q: why would anybody invent the letter Q it is the most useless letter in existence!

R: The place for the best movies, Robocop, Rocky, Rambo how do you choose you don’t you call it a tie

S: Saw, it the highest selling horror movie franchise and it’s somewhat intelligent it wins

T: Trainspotting. great movie if you can get passed the swearing

U: Undead, australian zombie alien flick can’t go wrong oh and it has a quad shotgun!

V: V for Vendetta, very good action movie and Hugo weaving as a mutant

W: Watchmen, it is amazing

X: X-men, I guess this is the best which is a shame

Y: Young Einstein, how to put bubbles in beer and the first electric guitar whats not to love

Z: Zorro, cause why not

 

so there’s the last of it umm have fun and wow this is really short I feel I should add something but don’t know what so you get this gibbering instead of something funny. enjoy